Freedom with discipline

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Today was a pretty significant milestone for me. I said goodbye to the little blue and white pills in the bottle above for the last time. (It actually was more like I hope I never fuckin’ see you again. Toodles bitch.). It’s weird for me to think I don’t have to rely on them anymore but I feel i will come to embrace the freedom as time carries on.

Now that I’m beginning to reassimilate back into the ebb and flow of daily life for the first time in 9 years I’m beginning to re-encounter feelings which I haven’t felt in as many years. I find myself wanting to remove my place in reality. I want to be able to experience decision without fear of consequence. I want to travel on my own dime to a destination which only I would know of.

I feel like I’ve been a proxy to my own decisions for so long and I want to focus on me for real now.

This temptation is more apparent to me I feel not only because I am no longer a slave to a job which provides health insurance but because society indicates that its okay to do so with the propagation of the hedonistic attitude that if it feels good, do it.

It is difficult to not give into these temptations to say the least when you’re surrounded by it. I find it hard to trust or believe anyone who makes decisions based on impulse rather than consequence. The fact of the matter is that yes it may feel good at the time, but the good feeling never lasts. I’ve found when I myself adopt this reasoning that I am always searching for the next high. It turns into this vicious cycle where you end up being addicted to the impulse.

On the other hand, if I choose to do the unselfish thing in my decision making I find I not only receive greater satisfaction but the good feeling sticks around longer too. My aim for the Lenten season is to approach more situations with this reasoning to add spiritual change to the physical change I am already seeing.