10-8-13

I don’t normally read my old posts but I found myself doing so this evening just by chance. I’ve experienced so many high highs and some of my lowest lows in the last year since I started this blog.  I’ve been vastly articulate and well versed in some of my writing and in others I appear to be in such mental disarray and confusion that most of what I produced was straight psychobabble.

At lot of this fluctuation I feel has to do with my physical health.  I’ve struggled to find the same energy, focus, and effectiveness on my vitamins and other natural supplements I’ve used to try and replace Cymbalta.  They do help most certainly but they do not get me high enough to forget I was ever sick at all.

I hate to admit but there are more than a handful of days where I feel like digging up my old pills and popping one just to see if I can recreate those days where I felt like I could actually choose to change my own life and the lives of others for the better.  I felt healthy, confident, and motivated.  Now I’m just sick, doubtful, and tired.  I can try to tell myself over and over that things (outside of work) are going well but I think it’s really just a statement I’m trying to make myself believe.  I don’t actually feel like my life is going well.

I think my biggest problem is that I don’t have any long-term goals therefore I don’t have anything to measure progress against.  I don’t really care whether or not I get married.  I don’t really care if I get promoted or demoted because I have lost faith in my current employer. I don’t know how a person creates long-term spiritual goals because faith can’t be measured empirically.

It’s tough to say what the best thing for me is.  I would like to think it’s a change of scenery but I tried that twice in the last year and it didn’t really yield progress other than realizing what I don’t want to do with the rest of my life.  I suppose I should do my best to measure progress in that way for the time being; to continue to read my old posts and see how far I’ve come based on my agreements/disagreements with my past self.

The hardest part of all of this is feeling captive to my surroundings.  To feeling like I cannot take the time to discover what I actually was meant to do let alone take action because I feel pressured to focus on everything but myself.  I cannot give myself time to be me and nothing else for more than a weekend.

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Reflections of my world

My week is over.  It’s time to look back and see what I learned.

I had to do a job this week which deep down I really don’t care for.  I was tempted by a student in my class, an adult, to drop my job duties and come to work intoxicated the next day.  It was an appealing proposal but I don’t have the conscience to act on such an impulse.  I would be curious to see how things would turn out but I do not think I could bear the guilt of my decision.  I automatically think of my mother and father, grandparents, and others who have sacrificed much for me to be where I am and I would bring them such shame.

I still yearn to cause chaos without consequence some days.

 

In my personal time I discovered how awful the effects of being on Cymbalta have been for MANY MANY people.  The website http://www.cymbaltawithdrawal.com revealed their accounts to me.  After reading only about a dozen of the threads I can say with total resolve that I am glad I am not as messed up as some of those people are.  Deep down I pity every single one of them but I also feel relief in knowing that I am fortunate enough to have escaped the clutches of this SNRI with my health mostly in tact.  I still deal with the residual presence of it in my body and it is unknown how long it will take for my liver to be able to break it all down, but the hard part is over and for that I am thankful.

My cup overflows.

 

I lost touch with a woman whom I care about very much.  Perhaps it’s just my point of view but I cannot seem to get back on her wavelength and she doesn’t appear to want to get closer to mine either.  I wish for once that she (and every other girl I’ve proposed a relationship to) was more selfless every now and then.  It would be really nice to have her ask “How did your day go?” or “How are you feeling?” first instead of getting to it after I initiate the conversation.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m going about it all wrong by asking first.

I’m frustrated about this but I have no control over what she or any other girl does.  I could rant on and say a bunch of nasty words but I think I’ll just wait and see what happens tomorrow instead.