The weekend is over and thankfully I’m not as sad as I thought I would be. Four days of being away from work didn’t seem like enough when my vacation began but thankfully I was able to get what I needed out of my time off.
I don’t know if I’ve flatly declared that I hate my job…again. This a different one from the one I ranted about back at the beginning of 2013. In my time spent at the current time sucking temple of degeneration I’ve learned a few things.
1. Don’t take everything you experience at face value. My boss has a serious psychological problem. He has told himself (and from my perspective of him, now firmly believes) that the work of his subordinates is directly attributable to his human value. Therefore if I do something wrong he tends to assume that I just don’t care about the quality of my work and I am dangerously close to making his world collapse. As a result he has a tendency to focus only on my mistakes with verbal badgering and ridiculous claims that I do not take pride in my work and he is paying me too much. I’ve also never received positive feedback if I do something correctly. All of these things have caused me deep emotional anguish and before this weekend I had no desire to return to work there because of the strain it is putting on my mental health.
2. Help the people around you see they are valued and their opinion matters. When I say value I do not mean in the sense of “How can I use this person to my advantage to make my own life more comfortable?” I bring this second point up because it will be the life or death of your workplace. When you work in an environment where you were simply a cog in a machine. Where you weren’t paid attention to as long as you carried out your role. You were never greased (given positive instruction) or inspected (evaluated to know whether you were carrying out your role correctly). Over time, you would expect this cog to wear out and no longer carry out its assigned function. Should the machine operator (your boss) be surprised that the cog (you) wore out and failed? I would think not.
3. Just because you may not be the best at one thing doesn’t mean you aren’t the best at another. We all have weaknesses, but we are all not weak in the same places. Likewise with our strengths. My encounter with this concept came abruptly when my boss alluded to the fact that I had no common sense and that in any other role in the company I would be incapable and nearly useless there as well. To counteract this I simply had to tell him (in my mind) to fuck off. The moral is that you have believe and respect people to get them to contribute to your collective goals. If you come off as someone who won’t look you in the eye when you converse and that you only care about how they perform because it makes you look better or increases your paycheck then why would anyone care to work with you?
In conclusion, my boss may never realize these things because he’s too deep into his own prideful beliefs to feel or know that how he’s treating people is his greatest problem. There’s little I can do for him other than pray that he accepts God’s attempts to work in his life. All I can do is pray and look for a different job.
Just a short update on what’s going on. Been at the new job for 3 weeks now. Seems to be going well other than I come home smelling like an oil refinery almost everyday. Some days I wonder if I’m progressing there at all. It’s a lot of information to wrap your head around because there are so many different combinations coming and going. I’ve been thinking a lot about whether or not it was a good idea to leave my first job out of college. I had it pretty damn good at that place but it was more stress than I needed. No amount of money could have changed that.
I’ve grown so much since then. I’ve made many mistakes, learned many lessons (the hard way usually), and here I am still alive. Up until I was 23 years old, I could look back at my life and really not say I had any regrets. Three years in the “real world” and I would do all kinds of things differently in my life if I could them over.
“Education is a process…not a place.”
I am doing better in my prayer life since I went on retreat with my Dad last weekend. It’s simply amazing to me how calming it is. I find more and more people around me that think it’s “silly” or useless because they believe there is no God so I’m basically just talking to myself in their eyes. I would venture to say anyone who believes that has never actually truly prayed before or they did pray but they didn’t get the answer they wanted to so they gave up on it.
I think where a lot of people go wrong with prayer is that they use it in a self-centered focus. For prayer to work you have to concede control. The more you can concede, the louder God’s answer becomes. The answers too may not be what you expect or seem to be rational but you can be sure that they are exactly what you need. If it sounds like this is easy for me, I assure you it is certainly NOT. I probably have more trouble with this than anyone else I know. The point is that I’m trying and that’s all any one person can do. Just try. I guarantee you will see a difference.
It’s been two days since Lent concluded. I have to say I’m missing the sacrifice. When I removed myself from the distraction that comes with living in the fast paced world of social media, internet, and just general sensory overload I missed it for about a week. On day eight I started to really focus on what I was saying when I prayed. I offered intentions for people who needed (and still need) it most. I sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament a few times too. During all this I can’t say I heard God definitively speak to me but I understood what He was saying. I know that sentence contradicts itself but if you’ve experienced it for yourself you get what it means.
In addition to this, I felt a connection to the Body of Christ, the Church. I felt her suffering when Pope Benedict resigned and unspeakable hatred flooded the airwaves. I felt her joy when a new pope was elected. I felt the Hand of God comfort the sick and burdened whom I prayed for.
I haven’t particularly felt such a connection within my faith in a number of years and certainly not as an adult. Denying myself these vices and dedicating time each day to pray intently allowed me to see what really matters in life in a whole new light. I’ve said before that life is about sharing yourself with others but this Lent showed me that there’s an infinite number of ways to apply that. Further more, we don’t always have to do something of a corporal nature to share ourselves.
Now that Lent is over I find myself removed from these comforts. I am tempted to fall back into my old rituals and habits of doing my own will instead of God’s. Reflecting on this I feel like I have a choice to keep the sacrifice of Lent going and I want to because I know that deciding to fulfill my own will always leads me to the same place. A place that cannot fulfill my own or anyone else’s desire to know Truth.
I hope…no I pray I choose not to be selfish.