4-27-13

I’m approaching my fourth month away from a daily Cymbalta regimen.  It’s had its pros and cons throughout.  I haven’t felt my “hungover” symptoms from the drug withdrawal at all but I am finding a serious lack of energy on certain days.  Generally on those days I am also in a much more negative mood than what is acceptable (from my point of view).  I try not to be an asshole to people but sometimes it happens.  I don’t mean to carry myself in such a way but when I feel like I’m doing all I can physically, mentally, and spiritually just to function I tend to get short with people.

I’m attempting to replace the drug with a more natural approach by taking vitamin B, St. John’s Wort, and Omega 3 fish oil in pill and liquid form.  It’s hard to say how natural these really are since each of them come in one processed form or another.  They help somewhat with my mood but my energy levels still lag behind.  I feel like I could sleep for a month straight and it still wouldn’t help.  I’m told that it’s likely my adrenal glands are fucked from constantly being in “fight or flight” mode for extended periods of time.  I’ve been meaning to get tested to confirm or deny this but, I’m just too tired to make it happen or I get to preoccupied with work duties that I forget to line it up.

Ultimately I just want to feel “normal” physically.  I am to the point where I seethe with anger beneath the surface because everyone else around me my own age doesn’t have these problems and I want to blame somebody or some thing for making me this way.  I still have many days where I simply want to die.  Not because I hate my life but because I am too tired to keep going like this.  I cannot see the meaning of my life to wake up so I can physically fight myself to exist.  My thoughts beckon my God asking Him what good can this possibly be doing anyone for me to suffer like this?  Someday I’ll know the answer, but for now I’ll continue to fight.

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