387 days and counting…
I was thinking today how afraid I am of things that generally never happen. I want a full time job but I am afraid that I won’t like it and even if I don’t like it the economy is going to crash in the next year (or few years, or maybe never) and I’ll get laid off anyway. I want to be in a long-term relationship but again the same mindset serves as the foundation of my thought; I will mess things up or I won’t be able to illustrate my feelings towards her enough that she’ll think I don’t care.
All of this worrying is really exhausting. It’s like my whole perspective of the world has a default negative connotation. I would like to see the good in others and the world we live in but I somehow always find myself looking for the worst in things. It’s become such a bad cycle of thought that it has seeped deep into my outlook on life.
The most vicious part of it is it feels like it’s because I choose to think this way even though I don’t want to. My conscience “pre-reasons” everyone and everything I encounter to be pointless in engaging because it will only end in disappointment for me or because of me. I feel like the feeling will be reciprocated as well even if I did look on the bright side of life. I feel like more people than not will hate me despite all my good qualities rather than love me despite all my bad qualities.
I have this urge to move far, far away so I can start over. New place. New name. New life.