And then again I felt the pain, and then afterwards the delight and the joy, now the one and now the other, again and again. And in the time of joy I could have said with St. Paul: Nothing shall separate me from the love of Christ; and in the pain I could have said with St. Peter: Lord, save me, I am perishing.
Pg. 111 of The Discernment of Spirits by Fr. Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV
I’ve been on a product called Protazen for a full month now. I started March 1, 2014 and I have to say thus far it has been a suitable replacement for Cymbalta that is natural which isn’t something I ever thought I could make a comparison of. It works differently than an SNRI which blocks the receptors for Serotonin and Norepinephrine until your body builds up enough of a reserve to get to normal levels. Protazen works by providing your mind the ingredients it needs to naturally synthesize the neurotransmitters needed for good mood and sustainable energy levels or at least that’s what I can glean from their website. Check them out at http://www.protazen.com if you’re looking for some relief from depression and/or anxiety without using meds.
I’m not out of the dark woods yet, but it seems like there’s more light anyway. We’ll see how I feel at Day 60.
387 days and counting…
I was thinking today how afraid I am of things that generally never happen. I want a full time job but I am afraid that I won’t like it and even if I don’t like it the economy is going to crash in the next year (or few years, or maybe never) and I’ll get laid off anyway. I want to be in a long-term relationship but again the same mindset serves as the foundation of my thought; I will mess things up or I won’t be able to illustrate my feelings towards her enough that she’ll think I don’t care.
All of this worrying is really exhausting. It’s like my whole perspective of the world has a default negative connotation. I would like to see the good in others and the world we live in but I somehow always find myself looking for the worst in things. It’s become such a bad cycle of thought that it has seeped deep into my outlook on life.
The most vicious part of it is it feels like it’s because I choose to think this way even though I don’t want to. My conscience “pre-reasons” everyone and everything I encounter to be pointless in engaging because it will only end in disappointment for me or because of me. I feel like the feeling will be reciprocated as well even if I did look on the bright side of life. I feel like more people than not will hate me despite all my good qualities rather than love me despite all my bad qualities.
I have this urge to move far, far away so I can start over. New place. New name. New life.
Dear Lord, I do not know what will happen to me today. I only know that nothing will happen that was not foreseen by You, and directed to my greater good from all eternity. I adore Your holy and unfathomable plans, and submit to them with all my heart for love of You, the Pope, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Amen.
Full Circle. I made it. In terms of life progress, I’m essentially back where I started 10 years ago. I see people on social media exclaim how great 2013 was for them and how much they are looking forward to 2014.
And here I sit…almost 3 AM and I’m unable to sleep because my depression has brought me back to insomnia just like it did for the first time so many years ago. I’m also in physical pain. I’ve got the same dull headache under the crown of my skull and lower back pain that just won’t subside. My neck is swollen and the right side of my belly itches under the skin where my liver sits. I lose feeling in my right wrist/hand frequently and if I don’t wear socks around the house my feet go completely numb. When I wake up in the morning I struggle to get out of bed because I don’t feel like I’m worth anything.
I thought getting fired from my job was because I was ignorant about how to do it properly. Now I see it was because my disease was taking control of my life again.
I stopped taking Cymbalta in February of 2013 thinking that I was finally going to be free of it and I would be able to live happily without it. I did for a little while. Rereading my posts from May 2012 tonight explains however that I was already starting to lose my grip. I believed a person could survive solely on will power and win the battle against depression. I believed that person was me. I made that exclamation while I was still reaping the benefits of the drug. Despite getting physically sicker I was still pretty hopeful and determined from a psychological perspective. Now that I’m nearly a year out I can see that though my intentions were good, I really don’t think I can make it anymore by myself.
I’m not optimistic about 2014. I don’t feel like I’m living, only existing. If I’m going to contribute to society I need assistance. I need drugs.
I don’t normally read my old posts but I found myself doing so this evening just by chance. I’ve experienced so many high highs and some of my lowest lows in the last year since I started this blog. I’ve been vastly articulate and well versed in some of my writing and in others I appear to be in such mental disarray and confusion that most of what I produced was straight psychobabble.
At lot of this fluctuation I feel has to do with my physical health. I’ve struggled to find the same energy, focus, and effectiveness on my vitamins and other natural supplements I’ve used to try and replace Cymbalta. They do help most certainly but they do not get me high enough to forget I was ever sick at all.
I hate to admit but there are more than a handful of days where I feel like digging up my old pills and popping one just to see if I can recreate those days where I felt like I could actually choose to change my own life and the lives of others for the better. I felt healthy, confident, and motivated. Now I’m just sick, doubtful, and tired. I can try to tell myself over and over that things (outside of work) are going well but I think it’s really just a statement I’m trying to make myself believe. I don’t actually feel like my life is going well.
I think my biggest problem is that I don’t have any long-term goals therefore I don’t have anything to measure progress against. I don’t really care whether or not I get married. I don’t really care if I get promoted or demoted because I have lost faith in my current employer. I don’t know how a person creates long-term spiritual goals because faith can’t be measured empirically.
It’s tough to say what the best thing for me is. I would like to think it’s a change of scenery but I tried that twice in the last year and it didn’t really yield progress other than realizing what I don’t want to do with the rest of my life. I suppose I should do my best to measure progress in that way for the time being; to continue to read my old posts and see how far I’ve come based on my agreements/disagreements with my past self.
The hardest part of all of this is feeling captive to my surroundings. To feeling like I cannot take the time to discover what I actually was meant to do let alone take action because I feel pressured to focus on everything but myself. I cannot give myself time to be me and nothing else for more than a weekend.
The weekend is over and thankfully I’m not as sad as I thought I would be. Four days of being away from work didn’t seem like enough when my vacation began but thankfully I was able to get what I needed out of my time off.
I don’t know if I’ve flatly declared that I hate my job…again. This a different one from the one I ranted about back at the beginning of 2013. In my time spent at the current time sucking temple of degeneration I’ve learned a few things.
1. Don’t take everything you experience at face value. My boss has a serious psychological problem. He has told himself (and from my perspective of him, now firmly believes) that the work of his subordinates is directly attributable to his human value. Therefore if I do something wrong he tends to assume that I just don’t care about the quality of my work and I am dangerously close to making his world collapse. As a result he has a tendency to focus only on my mistakes with verbal badgering and ridiculous claims that I do not take pride in my work and he is paying me too much. I’ve also never received positive feedback if I do something correctly. All of these things have caused me deep emotional anguish and before this weekend I had no desire to return to work there because of the strain it is putting on my mental health.
2. Help the people around you see they are valued and their opinion matters. When I say value I do not mean in the sense of “How can I use this person to my advantage to make my own life more comfortable?” I bring this second point up because it will be the life or death of your workplace. When you work in an environment where you were simply a cog in a machine. Where you weren’t paid attention to as long as you carried out your role. You were never greased (given positive instruction) or inspected (evaluated to know whether you were carrying out your role correctly). Over time, you would expect this cog to wear out and no longer carry out its assigned function. Should the machine operator (your boss) be surprised that the cog (you) wore out and failed? I would think not.
3. Just because you may not be the best at one thing doesn’t mean you aren’t the best at another. We all have weaknesses, but we are all not weak in the same places. Likewise with our strengths. My encounter with this concept came abruptly when my boss alluded to the fact that I had no common sense and that in any other role in the company I would be incapable and nearly useless there as well. To counteract this I simply had to tell him (in my mind) to fuck off. The moral is that you have believe and respect people to get them to contribute to your collective goals. If you come off as someone who won’t look you in the eye when you converse and that you only care about how they perform because it makes you look better or increases your paycheck then why would anyone care to work with you?
In conclusion, my boss may never realize these things because he’s too deep into his own prideful beliefs to feel or know that how he’s treating people is his greatest problem. There’s little I can do for him other than pray that he accepts God’s attempts to work in his life. All I can do is pray and look for a different job.