2-25-14

387 days and counting…

I was thinking today how afraid I am of things that generally never happen.  I want a full time job but I am afraid that I won’t like it and even if I don’t like it the economy is going to crash in the next year (or few years, or maybe never) and I’ll get laid off anyway.  I want to be in a long-term relationship but again the same mindset serves as the foundation of my thought; I will mess things up or I won’t be able to illustrate my feelings towards her enough that she’ll think I don’t care.

All of this worrying is really exhausting.  It’s like my whole perspective of the world has a default negative connotation.  I would like to see the good in others and the world we live in but I somehow always find myself looking for the worst in things.  It’s become such a bad cycle of thought that it has seeped deep into my outlook on life.

The most vicious part of it is it feels like it’s because I choose to think this way even though I don’t want to.  My conscience “pre-reasons” everyone and everything I encounter to be pointless in engaging because it will only end in disappointment for me or because of me.  I feel like the feeling will be reciprocated as well even if I did look on the bright side of life.  I feel like more people than not will hate me despite all my good qualities rather than love me despite all my bad qualities.

I have this urge to move far, far away so I can start over.  New place.  New name.  New life.

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9-2-13

The weekend is over and thankfully I’m not as sad as I thought I would be.  Four days of being away from work didn’t seem like enough when my vacation began but thankfully I was able to get what I needed out of my time off.

I don’t know if I’ve flatly declared that I hate my job…again.  This a different one from the one I ranted about back at the beginning of 2013.  In my time spent at the current time sucking temple of degeneration I’ve learned a few things.

1.  Don’t take everything you experience at face value.  My boss has a serious psychological problem.  He has told himself (and from my perspective of him, now firmly believes) that the work of his subordinates is directly attributable to his human value.  Therefore if I do something wrong he tends to assume that I just don’t care about the quality of my work and I am dangerously close to making his world collapse.  As a result he has a tendency to focus only on my mistakes with verbal badgering and ridiculous claims that I do not take pride in my work and he is paying me too much.  I’ve also never received positive feedback if I do something correctly.  All of these things have caused me deep emotional anguish and before this weekend I had no desire to return to work there because of the strain it is putting on my mental health.

2.  Help the people around you see they are valued and their opinion matters.  When I say value I do not mean in the sense of “How can I use this person to my advantage to make my own life more comfortable?”  I bring this second point up because it will be the life or death of your workplace.  When you work in an environment where you were simply a cog in a machine.  Where you weren’t paid attention to as long as you carried out your role.  You were never greased (given positive instruction) or inspected (evaluated to know whether you were carrying out your role correctly).  Over time, you would expect this cog to wear out and no longer carry out its assigned function.  Should the machine operator (your boss) be surprised that the cog (you) wore out and failed?  I would think not.

3.  Just because you may not be the best at one thing doesn’t mean you aren’t the best at another.  We all have weaknesses, but we are all not weak in the same places.  Likewise with our strengths.  My encounter with this concept came abruptly when my boss alluded to the fact that I had no common sense and that in any other role in the company I would be incapable and nearly useless there as well.  To counteract this I simply had to tell him (in my mind) to fuck off.  The moral is that you have believe and respect people to get them to contribute to your collective goals.  If you come off as someone who won’t look you in the eye when you converse and that you only care about how they perform because it makes you look better or increases your paycheck then why would anyone care to work with you?

In conclusion, my boss may never realize these things because he’s too deep into his own prideful beliefs to feel or know that how he’s treating people is his greatest problem.  There’s little I can do for him other than pray that he accepts God’s attempts to work in his life.  All I can do is pray and look for a different job.

4-25-13

Buckle up readers. This is likely going to be another pessimistic post.  It has to do with Catholicism too which might be a double negative for some of you but please hear me out.

I’m having a rough evening. I’m flooded with these feelings of discouragement. The reason is because I feel like I’m fighting a war that I cannot win by myself. I’m a practicing Catholic which if you aren’t aware is quite a rare find these days. Even rarer is that I’m a male in his mid-20s who still practices his faith.

Initially I feel like it’s a lost cause. It’s so so difficult to be an outcast when what you stand for is to love others. It’s difficult when you can’t find the right answer for people who question your belief because it’s hard to put it into words. It’s difficult to tell people to pray when it’s appears so much easier to live life by doing whatever feels good at the time.  It’s difficult to foster hope in others when your own foundations don’t feel like they will be able to weather the storm.

Then I think this.  Humans have been around for tens of thousands of years.  We have become smarter as time has moved forward.  We have evolved.  But why now, after all this time, did we just all of sudden decide we are evolved enough that we no longer need to believe in God?  That we are the masters of our own outcome and that happiness is solely a product of our own will?  Why is it plausible to say there is no God when a person still searches for the meaning to their life every second they walk this earth?  Why is there no God when people cry out for an end to all injustices but believe we are own god?  If that was true could we not put an end to all suffering by our own manifestation?

For a person who suffers inside as much as I do, I simply cannot believe that there is no God.  I pray because it fulfills me.  I pray when I’m worried because I don’t know what the next step in my life is and in some way or another I am consoled.  I seek healing for myself and for others that there is no earthly remedy for and I have never not been answered. I pray because I want to know what the meaning of life is and no one on earth has an answer for me.  I pray because I want every soul to know love so deep and everlasting that they will finally be able to say they’ve found what their soul was seeking.

I am asked to carry out all of these things as a child of God as is every other person whether they admit it or not.  You and I are not here to fulfill our own wants and desires.  I’d challenge you to find a single person who said he/she was able to completely fill in the “void” in their life with possessions, power, sex, drugs, food, drink, and every other thing you can think of on earth.  None of it will work.

Ultimately the problem I have is that I want to help people “swiftly and severely”.  I want to help them change their lives immediately so they don’t have to wallow in disappointment or anger or sadness; anything that keeps them from becoming a more perfect version of themselves.  Right now though I don’t know exactly how to do that, but I’ll keep praying about it.  When in doubt, seek Him out.