4-25-13

Buckle up readers. This is likely going to be another pessimistic post.  It has to do with Catholicism too which might be a double negative for some of you but please hear me out.

I’m having a rough evening. I’m flooded with these feelings of discouragement. The reason is because I feel like I’m fighting a war that I cannot win by myself. I’m a practicing Catholic which if you aren’t aware is quite a rare find these days. Even rarer is that I’m a male in his mid-20s who still practices his faith.

Initially I feel like it’s a lost cause. It’s so so difficult to be an outcast when what you stand for is to love others. It’s difficult when you can’t find the right answer for people who question your belief because it’s hard to put it into words. It’s difficult to tell people to pray when it’s appears so much easier to live life by doing whatever feels good at the time.  It’s difficult to foster hope in others when your own foundations don’t feel like they will be able to weather the storm.

Then I think this.  Humans have been around for tens of thousands of years.  We have become smarter as time has moved forward.  We have evolved.  But why now, after all this time, did we just all of sudden decide we are evolved enough that we no longer need to believe in God?  That we are the masters of our own outcome and that happiness is solely a product of our own will?  Why is it plausible to say there is no God when a person still searches for the meaning to their life every second they walk this earth?  Why is there no God when people cry out for an end to all injustices but believe we are own god?  If that was true could we not put an end to all suffering by our own manifestation?

For a person who suffers inside as much as I do, I simply cannot believe that there is no God.  I pray because it fulfills me.  I pray when I’m worried because I don’t know what the next step in my life is and in some way or another I am consoled.  I seek healing for myself and for others that there is no earthly remedy for and I have never not been answered. I pray because I want to know what the meaning of life is and no one on earth has an answer for me.  I pray because I want every soul to know love so deep and everlasting that they will finally be able to say they’ve found what their soul was seeking.

I am asked to carry out all of these things as a child of God as is every other person whether they admit it or not.  You and I are not here to fulfill our own wants and desires.  I’d challenge you to find a single person who said he/she was able to completely fill in the “void” in their life with possessions, power, sex, drugs, food, drink, and every other thing you can think of on earth.  None of it will work.

Ultimately the problem I have is that I want to help people “swiftly and severely”.  I want to help them change their lives immediately so they don’t have to wallow in disappointment or anger or sadness; anything that keeps them from becoming a more perfect version of themselves.  Right now though I don’t know exactly how to do that, but I’ll keep praying about it.  When in doubt, seek Him out.

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Can’t stop

I can’t lie to myself about this anymore.

I can live without my medication but it seems it would be better described as existing.  Existing is all I was able to do in high school.  People praised me for my achievements same as they do now but it doesn’t instill confidence within me.  It doesn’t make me optimistic. It doesn’t leave me wanting to live more.

I’m back here again asking myself the same questions about how I got here.  Did I sustain an injury as a child that fostered the way for my adult depression? Did I lack nutrition at a certain stage that caused my brain to develop with greater cognitive function but lesser social skills?  Was it simple gene expression that couldn’t be avoided no matter if I had developed differently or not?

No answers.  They don’t matter really unless one of them could explain what I could do differently to permanently reverse my condition.

I have to say I’m sorry to my readers.  I really don’t wish to provide you with doom and gloom posts all the time.  I sincerely wish I could write with more positivity and inspiration you could use in your own lives.

I hurt though, and I am physically tired of it.

3-12-13

I’ve been off of cymbalta now for about 5 weeks.  I still get headaches every once and again and the cervical lymphodenopathy has yet to subside fully but I am feeling better than I ever have before without the drug.  I see the commercials on TV and I can’t help but feel sorry for all the people who have been prescribed Cymbalta because they will feel better for a while but sooner or later the devil comes out of the details and tries to beat the soul out of you.

I wonder if I would be where I am if I had been able to get off of it sooner.  Would I have made the same decisions? Would I still be at the job I had straight out of college?  Would things be better?  Maybe so.

One thing is for certain and that is I am more thankful for what I have because of the burden I was chosen to bear.  As much I have been hurt, saddened, and angered by the last 9 years I have been humbled by it all.  I don’t think a person can have too much humility.

Humility is the source of greatness.  Try to think of any person you admire or a great historical leader.  Were they proud or were they humble?  Humility leads to selflessness.  Sow humility and it will yield greatness.