I don’t normally read my old posts but I found myself doing so this evening just by chance. I’ve experienced so many high highs and some of my lowest lows in the last year since I started this blog. I’ve been vastly articulate and well versed in some of my writing and in others I appear to be in such mental disarray and confusion that most of what I produced was straight psychobabble.
At lot of this fluctuation I feel has to do with my physical health. I’ve struggled to find the same energy, focus, and effectiveness on my vitamins and other natural supplements I’ve used to try and replace Cymbalta. They do help most certainly but they do not get me high enough to forget I was ever sick at all.
I hate to admit but there are more than a handful of days where I feel like digging up my old pills and popping one just to see if I can recreate those days where I felt like I could actually choose to change my own life and the lives of others for the better. I felt healthy, confident, and motivated. Now I’m just sick, doubtful, and tired. I can try to tell myself over and over that things (outside of work) are going well but I think it’s really just a statement I’m trying to make myself believe. I don’t actually feel like my life is going well.
I think my biggest problem is that I don’t have any long-term goals therefore I don’t have anything to measure progress against. I don’t really care whether or not I get married. I don’t really care if I get promoted or demoted because I have lost faith in my current employer. I don’t know how a person creates long-term spiritual goals because faith can’t be measured empirically.
It’s tough to say what the best thing for me is. I would like to think it’s a change of scenery but I tried that twice in the last year and it didn’t really yield progress other than realizing what I don’t want to do with the rest of my life. I suppose I should do my best to measure progress in that way for the time being; to continue to read my old posts and see how far I’ve come based on my agreements/disagreements with my past self.
The hardest part of all of this is feeling captive to my surroundings. To feeling like I cannot take the time to discover what I actually was meant to do let alone take action because I feel pressured to focus on everything but myself. I cannot give myself time to be me and nothing else for more than a weekend.
The times they are a changin’
For me there has been significant change this week. I submitted my resignation at work. My boss didn’t seem to be too phased by it as if he expected it to happen which only served to reinforce my decision. It’s truly a shame that companies operate under guise claiming to care about their employees during the hiring process and then proceeding to give zero shits about them once they’re on board.
I hope that the next move I make will be a lasting one. I really don’t want to jump from job to job but what else could a person expect when they are left on an island to handle a workload better suited for 2 or more people? If you add in the fact that the work you did will be scrutinized by people on a regular basis with little to no positive feedback, what do you get?
A disgruntled employee, that’s what.
I don’t really know what the long term answer is. All I know is if I’m going to spend 24% of my time on an annual basis I had better find something I like to do.
A thought crossed my mind today. One which pioneered its own line on the thought train railroad. “Maybe my heart is too big to give to just one person?”
For most of my life I have been alone. I have difficulty trusting people, especially women, to provide sanctuary from the grief in my own soul. I have my reasons. Being cheated on when you pour your heart into someones life is painful. The emotional pain fades with time but the psychological scars run deeper for me than anything else.
She got married a short while ago I heard. Im happy for her but I hope shes learned how to keep a promise.
Even after all that I still want to be able to show someone how much they are loved. I want to show them how much they are needed. I don’t want them to walk the emptiness of a house night and day as I have. At the same time though I do not feel any of this will be enough to fulfill her and she will quit on me…just as they all have before.
So what if my thought is true? What if my heart is too big for one person? Should I leave this life behind and serve the poor? Should I love them instead as our Lord loves us all?
My week is over. It’s time to look back and see what I learned.
I had to do a job this week which deep down I really don’t care for. I was tempted by a student in my class, an adult, to drop my job duties and come to work intoxicated the next day. It was an appealing proposal but I don’t have the conscience to act on such an impulse. I would be curious to see how things would turn out but I do not think I could bear the guilt of my decision. I automatically think of my mother and father, grandparents, and others who have sacrificed much for me to be where I am and I would bring them such shame.
I still yearn to cause chaos without consequence some days.
In my personal time I discovered how awful the effects of being on Cymbalta have been for MANY MANY people. The website http://www.cymbaltawithdrawal.com revealed their accounts to me. After reading only about a dozen of the threads I can say with total resolve that I am glad I am not as messed up as some of those people are. Deep down I pity every single one of them but I also feel relief in knowing that I am fortunate enough to have escaped the clutches of this SNRI with my health mostly in tact. I still deal with the residual presence of it in my body and it is unknown how long it will take for my liver to be able to break it all down, but the hard part is over and for that I am thankful.
My cup overflows.
I lost touch with a woman whom I care about very much. Perhaps it’s just my point of view but I cannot seem to get back on her wavelength and she doesn’t appear to want to get closer to mine either. I wish for once that she (and every other girl I’ve proposed a relationship to) was more selfless every now and then. It would be really nice to have her ask “How did your day go?” or “How are you feeling?” first instead of getting to it after I initiate the conversation. I don’t know. Maybe I’m going about it all wrong by asking first.
I’m frustrated about this but I have no control over what she or any other girl does. I could rant on and say a bunch of nasty words but I think I’ll just wait and see what happens tomorrow instead.
You can tell which of my posts I actually sit down to write on a computer versus the ones I throw together with grammatical vomit on my smartphone. It’s a pretty noticeable difference. Lately though there’s been a lot of “grammatical vomit” around me in my day-to-day experience as well. Many different thoughts race through my head as I am continuing to experience withdrawal symptoms following my cessation of an anti-depressant medication. More feelings of anxiety and uncertainty tend to creep in on an inconsistent basis which means even though I quit paying admission, I’m still riding the roller coaster.
Most of what I feel is physical. I am still subject to the same headaches I would suffer when I tried to quit cold turkey last spring for the third time. It didn’t bother so much if I could keep myself busy but since I changed jobs from blue to white collar I find myself unable to ignore the pain. Wearing khaki slacks, a collared shirt, and sitting in a cubicle is bad enough. When you add an embedded pain seated inside of your skull that feels like someone is squeezing the left hemisphere of your brain with a bench vice it makes it that much more enjoyable. Really though it’s not as bad as it used to be when it felt like someone was yanking up on my eyeballs from the inside out. (This is usually how I deal with things, latent optimism with a heavy helping of sarcasm.)
The other portion, emotions, is the easy part really. Sure I tend to over analyze social interactions causing depressive thoughts and I because I physically feel like dog shit I tend to alienate my friends and family and spend more time alone but it won’t be like this forever right? Relationships can always be fixed right?….Right?
All of this internal battle is really frustrating. I keep wanting to be instantly gratified and freed from my suffering. I feel like I deserve it after all the hell from within I’ve numbed over the last 9 years. The medication sure did the trick by keeping me from offing myself but I really don’t recall a strong warning from my psychiatrist saying it was going to beat the functionality right out of my liver. My parents do but all I could think about at the time was surviving. Now that I’m on the other side of cessation I ask myself, “was it worth it?” I cannot answer definitively.
I feel like I’ve been cheated. Why can’t I be perpetually happy? If I can’t be perpetually happy why can’t I take medication that doesn’t give me liver cirrhosis? If I can’t get such a medication why can’t I function without jitters and depressive uncertainty? Nobody knows. What I do know is that I’m not getting off the ride anytime soon so I had better get a tighter grip.
“What the heck are we doing here?”
An age old question indeed. I write about it today because of an article I read which published the findings of a survey asking people of all demographics what their religious affiliation was, if any at all. Not surprisingly the number of people who responded as “none” is at the highest it’s ever been since such data started being collected.
I say not surprisingly because I happen to pay attention to the news sources in the US which report on religious issues brought into public debate. More and more these stories follow the same model of a religious person/organization facing off against an atheist/non-religious person/organization. You see them more frequently during the widely observed holidays like Christmas and Easter but there’s a steady flow of them throughout the year. The non-religious groups tend to file the complaint against the religious for publicly displaying symbols of their faith or attempting to bring the any idea of religion into a publicly funded school, etc.
What the survey didn’t ask was why are people settling on “none” as a response to the question now more than they have in the past? With the way that we function as a human race today, what thing or things has made us decide to shift our beliefs away from religion into our own personal set or into believing nothing religious at all? When did being religious become so unappealing?
There’s any number of reasons why. Collectively I feel that those who are religious (that would include me) have forgotten how to look outside of ourselves. We’ve become victims of narcissism and we stopped putting the well-being of our neighbor before our own. This compassion used to set us apart from the masses. It showed others who didn’t believe or had never been told that there is someone who cares about them and will help them through this beautiful struggle called life. When we stopped doing that we lost our appeal. We stopped following the law of “Do unto others as you would have done to you.”
I invoke all who read this now to change this in your world. Religious and non-religious, take courage and follow this law as best as you can. Put others’ well-being in front of your own and you will start to see the world transform into the beautiful place we all seek and wish it to be.
I have been labeled by some as a deep thinker. This title only has meaning because we as humans acknowledge the existence of a law or scale on which thought is measured. I do not claim to be able to think more deeply than anyone else except that I must, more frequently than others, outwardly express my thought in a fashion which is not easily interpreted. The more I consider it, the more convinced I am that we do not become wiser with age unless we are able to outwardly verbalize our thoughts, and in order to do that we must be able to first verbalize internally.
I feel fortunate to have been exposed to literature and teaching which has fostered a magnificent and perpetual mental vocabulary. Not inasmuch that it feeds my ego but that it had nurtured my understanding of what my purpose is. A purpose which I fully do not yet understand, nor will I on this field of battle, but of which I have seen glances of throughout my life. These glances encourage me to carry on because the journey is far from over and it is not up to me when it will end.