Full Circle. I made it. In terms of life progress, I’m essentially back where I started 10 years ago. I see people on social media exclaim how great 2013 was for them and how much they are looking forward to 2014.
And here I sit…almost 3 AM and I’m unable to sleep because my depression has brought me back to insomnia just like it did for the first time so many years ago. I’m also in physical pain. I’ve got the same dull headache under the crown of my skull and lower back pain that just won’t subside. My neck is swollen and the right side of my belly itches under the skin where my liver sits. I lose feeling in my right wrist/hand frequently and if I don’t wear socks around the house my feet go completely numb. When I wake up in the morning I struggle to get out of bed because I don’t feel like I’m worth anything.
I thought getting fired from my job was because I was ignorant about how to do it properly. Now I see it was because my disease was taking control of my life again.
I stopped taking Cymbalta in February of 2013 thinking that I was finally going to be free of it and I would be able to live happily without it. I did for a little while. Rereading my posts from May 2012 tonight explains however that I was already starting to lose my grip. I believed a person could survive solely on will power and win the battle against depression. I believed that person was me. I made that exclamation while I was still reaping the benefits of the drug. Despite getting physically sicker I was still pretty hopeful and determined from a psychological perspective. Now that I’m nearly a year out I can see that though my intentions were good, I really don’t think I can make it anymore by myself.
I’m not optimistic about 2014. I don’t feel like I’m living, only existing. If I’m going to contribute to society I need assistance. I need drugs.