I don’t normally read my old posts but I found myself doing so this evening just by chance. I’ve experienced so many high highs and some of my lowest lows in the last year since I started this blog. I’ve been vastly articulate and well versed in some of my writing and in others I appear to be in such mental disarray and confusion that most of what I produced was straight psychobabble.
At lot of this fluctuation I feel has to do with my physical health. I’ve struggled to find the same energy, focus, and effectiveness on my vitamins and other natural supplements I’ve used to try and replace Cymbalta. They do help most certainly but they do not get me high enough to forget I was ever sick at all.
I hate to admit but there are more than a handful of days where I feel like digging up my old pills and popping one just to see if I can recreate those days where I felt like I could actually choose to change my own life and the lives of others for the better. I felt healthy, confident, and motivated. Now I’m just sick, doubtful, and tired. I can try to tell myself over and over that things (outside of work) are going well but I think it’s really just a statement I’m trying to make myself believe. I don’t actually feel like my life is going well.
I think my biggest problem is that I don’t have any long-term goals therefore I don’t have anything to measure progress against. I don’t really care whether or not I get married. I don’t really care if I get promoted or demoted because I have lost faith in my current employer. I don’t know how a person creates long-term spiritual goals because faith can’t be measured empirically.
It’s tough to say what the best thing for me is. I would like to think it’s a change of scenery but I tried that twice in the last year and it didn’t really yield progress other than realizing what I don’t want to do with the rest of my life. I suppose I should do my best to measure progress in that way for the time being; to continue to read my old posts and see how far I’ve come based on my agreements/disagreements with my past self.
The hardest part of all of this is feeling captive to my surroundings. To feeling like I cannot take the time to discover what I actually was meant to do let alone take action because I feel pressured to focus on everything but myself. I cannot give myself time to be me and nothing else for more than a weekend.