I had a rough go at work today.
I didn’t mess anything up and I didn’t get yelled at which is normally what leads me to describe a rough work day. No, what happened was unseen by others but internally I wanted to lose my shit. I was faced with a problem on a piece of equipment which I could have come up with a solution for on my own no problem but its “protocol” to go through my boss so he can make a decision.
Before I go any further I must mention that I don’t particularly like my boss. I met him when I interviewed for the job but he didn’t say much and from the scuttlebutt I’ve heard in my short tenure it was because he had a knack for driving people away by his attitude and demeanor…in the interview. Well lucky me, somebody told him to keep his mouth mostly closed when I interviewed and I didn’t see how derogatory, demeaning, critical, and obtuse he was. Fast forward to the present and upper management has since required that he attend management sessions (information also acquired through scuttlebutt) to make him a better leader.
Back to my story…
So I’m reluctantly walking into my boss’s office to ask him to come look at the problem. He proceeds to go out to the machine with me and as we’re walking out I begin to explain what the problem is and its cause. (I’ve been chewed out enough by now that I no longer walk blindly into discussion with him without arming myself with facts) I suggest to him to look at the problem machine first with close attention to my area of concern and then proceed to go look at another machine of the same model.
So he climbs onto the machine and starts trying to assess the situation like an omniscient peacock. I allow him to look it over for a minute and then again try to point out what the problem is. Again he disregards. So he walks over to an adjacent machine and I follow hoping that by pointing out the same location on this machine with a normal configuration will help him “see the light”. I do so, but again he responds with nothing.
So we return to the original problem machine where he proceeds to say that I assembled the mechanism incorrectly and I need to tear it apart, reset some clearances and put it back together.
Inside I am ANGRY. I feel like grabbing my boss by the front of his shirt and shaking him while screaming obscenities which deride his self-esteem and self-respect so that he can know what it feels like to be treated like he’s unimportant and contributes nothing if anything at all to the human race let alone the company.
But I refrain. I don’t know why I don’t come forward with my objections. I guess it’s because I’m afraid that they won’t make a difference. That they won’t impact. That they will not change anything. I think that is what hurts me the most is that I don’t feel like I matter at my job. Management makes me feel like it is a privilege just to work there when I detest almost every moment of it. And they laugh behind closed doors because they know that I need this job to pay my bills and feed myself and there’s nothing I can do about it….Wait, what?
Since when is there nothing I can do about it? Since I started talking negatively to myself that’s when. Since I reverted to conjuring negative consequences for my actions that likely wont ever come true. Since I started beating myself up for my past sins that I can’t seem to let go of because I believe people aren’t capable of forgiveness.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us!