8-12-13

Insomnia tonight.  No surprise I guess since my routine was shaken today.  I was forced to work four hours late tonight.  So I’m awake and my mind is still at work so I just as well write down some thoughts.

It’s been a while since I had something good to say but I actually have something.  As of August 3rd, 2013 I’ve managed to live without Cymbalta or any synthetic antidepressant for a full six months.  I’ve hit many lows along the way but I’ve also experienced profound joy as well even though the latter doesn’t happen as often.  I feel I can distinctly classify my grief and suffering and my jubilant happiness into two respective categories:  times when I try to appease my ego, and times when I try to be like Christ.

I have a long way to go yet but the emptiness and despair that I believed I would feel if I tried to be more of Christian simply did not show up.  Another part of me felt I would find the peace and solace I have sought for so long but I would become dissatisfied, arrogant, and unfulfilled, and again return to my attempts to walk with my back turned to God.  I did turn away, more than once and each time I felt a supreme emptiness that could only be filled by returning to a life of prayer, reflection, and a determination to do, say, think, and overall just BE a better human being.

If I had a single desire I wished to share with every person I met, it would be to help them find the same light of God within themselves.  To not just tell them how wonderful they are but to help them actualize it; to help them become all they were created to be.  When a person finds that, they will never need nor want anything else.

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