I decided entering a date here would be cliche. Why put your negative feelings in chronological order when it all just runs together anyway?
When I began this I was hoping I could surpass the poor moods. I yearned for closure, for completion. I just wanted to get to the finish line. What I wanted to be done with is hard for me to put a thought to. My entire life, there has always been a finite end to everything. I (and everyone else) who went to school encountered this. We began a school year and then we worked through it until it was over. Relax and then repeat. Over and over again. College was no different except the content was more intense (and it felt like it actually mattered).
Then I graduated, got myself a job (or three) and all of sudden it’s dawning on me that there’s no end in sight. People tell me, “Oh, it’s there buddy. You just wait your turn for 35 years!” If the next 30 years are anything like the last 5 have been then I don’t want any part of this American Dream. I am utterly tired of being unhappy. I feel like I’m not living up to my potential and such an idea is one that consumes me with restlessness.
I hate to admit it but I am extremely afraid of wasting my life. I am afraid that I will be in this hole for as long as I breathe all because I’m too stubborn and too weak to do anything about it. I go through each day of the week thinking at least once a day that I would rather concede my life now than waste it in its entirety. I would “cash in my chips” thinking I could salvage the good things I have done and make my life actually mean a smidgen of something before it all fades away and my time counts for nothing.
The saddest part is that I feel like I’m not worth saving. I feel like I deserve to be counted among the lost because I can’t find the motivation to change. I deserve it because I can find nothing left to keep my light going. I deserve it because I can’t feel the love given to me by my family. I am back where I started.
One thing remains and that is hatred. Hatred that I can’t figure this out. Hatred that I can’t even cherish the good anymore because I’ve poisoned my thoughts with the negative. Hatred because I believe that I chose to bring myself back to this state of anemic existence by letting my psychological guard down. I know it is bad, but if it wasn’t for hatred, I would feel nothing at all.