I had an epiphany of sorts last night shrouded within a nightmare. I can’t recall what the dream as a whole was about this time but one particular thing remains with from it. I cannot see myself being happy in the long term where I am today.

Even at this new job, which I enjoy to a degree, I cannot sustain motivation to keep going with it. I’m disappointed that I remain disappointed. I feel like my heart will never find what it seeks unless I give my life to God, totally and completely. I have felt this before but never really admitted it to anyone other than myself.  I cannot let go though as I am afraid of “losing control” of my life which is exactly the thing I need to be relieved of.

I am afraid of missing out on a wife and children.  I am afraid of not getting everything that others get.  My ego tells me to be afraid because I may get there and I won’t be happy there either.  Then what?  What could I possibly do to be who I was born to be or where could I possibly go where I undoubtedly belong in the world?

I’ve fought with depression for so many years and the “cure” for most of my adult life was to be medicated.  Now that I’m no longer dependent on it, I’m finally regaining stable mental health but I’m struggling to just simply exist for the sake of existence.  I’m frustrated that the masses of people who I’ve encountered in life seem to thrive on the same ideas of loving one person, raising a family, owning a house in ‘burbs and an SUV to haul your kids to soccer practice in, etc. and never having to question whether or not it was what they were meant to do.  I yearn for the simplicity of that example.


One thought on “4-10-13

  1. Kyle, I am hoping and praying that you find your place, your niche. You have opened yourself to a new direction in your job…Keep praying and just surrender it to Him. Think about finding a spiritual director who would help you to discern these feelings you struggle with. Hang in there and call when you need to.

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