A thought crossed my mind today. One which pioneered its own line on the thought train railroad. “Maybe my heart is too big to give to just one person?”

For most of my life I have been alone. I have difficulty trusting people, especially women, to provide sanctuary from the grief in my own soul. I have my reasons. Being cheated on when you pour your heart into someones life is painful. The emotional pain fades with time but the psychological scars run deeper for me than anything else.

She got married a short while ago I heard. Im happy for her but I hope shes learned how to keep a promise.

Even after all that I still want to be able to show someone how much they are loved. I want to show them how much they are needed. I don’t want them to walk the emptiness of a house night and day as I have.  At the same time though I do not feel any of this will be enough to fulfill her and she will quit on me…just as they all have before.

So what if my thought is true? What if my heart is too big for one person? Should I leave this life behind and serve the poor? Should I love them instead as our Lord loves us all?

2 thoughts on “

  1. Hey, Kyle. Many prayers. Before Rebecca and I got married, I shared a similar line of think, “But, Jesus, you ‘belonged’ to no one. Because of this, you were open to love whom ever came to you for healing. Should I not do the same?” After muddling around this question, I think I came to this (certainly, much to the following ideas came to me from a number of authors). Yes, we are called to love humanity in general, but, because of how were a setup as humans, for this love to be lived out in its fullness, it has to be directed in some way–towards some person, towards some endeavor, perhaps. If we were to love all humanity, at once, we would probably end up loving none of it. For me, this meant marriage. And, through this marriage, by forsaking the rest and loving the one, I mysteriously came to a more perfect love of all those I have forsaken. For others, this may mean (as you suggest) a devotion to the poor or similar such devotions. But, to love fully, I believe, we must love deeply. And, to love deeply, we must set some roots into something. I guess, this is where discernment comes, where we begin to listen to where God is inviting us to set roots, that we might love in particular and, through this, that we might love all.

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